A sexologist and psychotherapist tells about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increase potency, or where is "man power"?
The internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miraculous" pills and potions that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And as is well known, supply arises from demand. What happened - why did the men "spoil"? Internet and social networks turned out to be more "interesting" than real women? Or is it perhaps the fault of the ladies themselves that their masters have less and less desire to be a man and the desire to fulfill this desire?
A well-known sexologist-psychotherapist answered these and other questions to our correspondent.
When a man has no interest in a particular woman and sex life in general, impotence occurs. . . is that fair
- The term "impotence" is removed from the World Classification of Diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". Despite this, the word "impotence" is still quite common in everyday life. The literal translation means "no power". For men, this is a very significant area of life. And if there are failures, then in almost all cases, regardless of the main reasons, also a mental component. Men only see the symptom, the result. And they relate to the loss of erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, these complaints are usually accompanied by an emotional component. A man canHaving anxiety and even depression Whatever women think of men, they all want to be successful not only at work but also in their personal lives.
Now there is a lot of talk about impotence "getting younger". Is it like this?
- I have 16 years of professional experience and I can rely not only on statistics but also on my own observations. In fact, the average age of our patients has decreased over the last 10-15 years. More and more young people are taking part. At the beginning of my career, the average age of the patients was 40 years, now it is 35 years.
When a man "can't and won't, " what is the primary culprit: physiology, psychology, or perhaps social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When I communicate with a patient, I try to understand their lifestyle - what are their emotions, is they getting enough sleep, is they having a mid-life crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate area, what is his partner's behavior like? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only demands the fulfillment of the "marriage obligation", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. In practice, there is often a syndrome of anxious anticipation of sexual failure. In this state beginsMan for failure, and the next time he is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And when a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "adds fuel to the fire", a sexual neurosis arises. And the man turns on "avoidant behavior". Someencounter work or alcohol. Some - subconsciously provoke quarrels with their wife, so the idea of \u200b\u200bintimacy would seem absurd. Confused men sometimes choose other ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and relations with a partner, oneMrs. And it's not far from the divorce Some go to a urologist for illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
Not "can" or "don't want to"?Women are often tormented by one question: which is more important - "can't" or "don't want to"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "don't want" and "can't" at the same time. But it's important to remember that an erection is primarily a clear indicator of "I want, " not "I can. "But even this "wanting" is not limitless. A lot depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of a man.
Is it true that men often don't notice the problem themselves or even accuse the woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither a woman's will nor a man's will. As soon as the word or thought "should" appears, the road to a dead end begins.
Increasingly, they talk about the effects of stress on a modern man - is it really that bad for the intimate sphere?
- Definitely. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels rise – levels of the anti-stress hormone prolactin rise, and it in turn suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, there is a deactualization of the sexual sphere.
The main woman is mother.They say that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and what kind of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
- No doubt! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. It lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Any woman who wants to make her child happy, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. During this time, a positive and negative, open or distrustful attitude towards the female sex is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, the result is that the child will see neither feminine nor masculine behavior. . . And as a result, his experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is a direct route to isolation, disappointment. . . Additionally, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can endlessly change partners and remain alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, meaning promiscuity without the ability to develop deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations need to be thoroughly studied.
What are the most common mistakes mothers make when raising boys?
- The boy needs to see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in sports. In the end there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father that the boy's mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictation are dangerous. They are fraught with the appearance in a teenager of infantile and feminine behavior.
Marry - only for love! Some women are obsessed with their looks and will do anything to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves and focus entirely on the family, on the children. Perhaps a woman generally behaves so "wrong" that her husband simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in untidy clothes, accuse him of sexual failure (although, actually, if you think about it, it's not his failure but hers), not support him, but humiliate him and "end off" with wordsand all your behavior, and here's the result: He doesn't want anything! That's why I keep telling young women who come to me: "Marry for love, respect your husband, praise him - and he will move mountains for you! ""Groomed appearance, good physical condition, perfume, grooming are always a plus. But some women's panic obsession with their looks is already an issue of a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. Because when people are only attracted to their bodies, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There must be a longing of souls, people must be interested in each other not only in bed but also outside of bed.
Those "terrible" businesswomen. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract a man, but deters him? After all, where do the armies of beautiful, smart, and successful women suffering from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It's not about success, it's about behavior patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male behavior patterns - for example, she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then male or simply "brave" men do not like it. Feminine - "more feminine" (these arethe so-called "sissy"), such a model may seem attractive, since they are used to obeying.
Watch out for the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her husband, for family happiness, how should she behave if her husband has problems in bed?
At least you have to let him sleep. Refrain from any form of criticism – even those that a woman finds constructive. Ask forgiveness for past wrongs. Saying she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there are no positive dynamics against this background, then you should definitely go to a sexologist who can find both medical and hidden psychological reasons for the situation. It's important to explain to the man that the front desk isn't looking for "guilt" and "sick. "Talking to a doctor is necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it can be done!
Is there an example from your practice where a woman has helped a man to believe in himself - in every way?
- I'll tell you about my last patient's wife. Your behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who was very interested in the new economicconditions had suffered. A lot of troubles fell on him, and under stress, attraction to his wife began to decrease. But most of all, he worried about how he was going to tell her that he might soon lose his business altogether, leaving them with no money and a lot of debt. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . I advised her to tell her everything there is. If not someone close, then who supports us in difficult times? And my intuition has not failed me. At the next appointment, the patient reported that his wife listened to him and said, "It's okay, if that happens, I'll go to work too. "Also, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you no matter what. With those words alone, the man gained strength, the panic subsided, and his affairs got better - in every way. At the last appointment he told me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day for the rest of my life! "I think this woman deserves his love. And I'm calm for their relationship. I want people to love, appreciate, respect, support each other more. And that these were not words, but deeds.